#Numbers

In 5 short days, we will usher in the month of May in the year 2012. This is a very significant month in my life, connecting to many milestones and moments I will never forget. When I really think about it, I almost have a "6 degrees of separation" relationship with the month of May - one memory that relates to another, weaves through to another, and links to yet another. In the end, it all boils down to numbers that, when taken out of context, may seem fairly insignificant. Math has never been my subject of strength, but I have a deep respect for the meaning of numbers, especially when representing dates, times, measurements…

May 13, 2005: JC and I engaged in our first official date. There had been a bit of a love connect brewing for 2-3 weeks, ranging from passive flirtation to more direct methods of conveying attraction. Through the running time of 118 minutes of Hitch, we both pondered the development of our relationship and the significance of this first date. The next day, we became a couple – and we’ve never looked back since. As corny and sappy as it may sound, we really have been inseparable since day one. It’s hard to imagine that we will be celebrating seven years of coupledom this year.

Not long after we started dating, I remember having a conversation filled with raw emotions and inspiring a true connection between us. JC expressed his deepest fear – losing his father. At the time, I had only met EC once, if at all, so I really didn’t grasp the full gravity of their relationship. Of course, I can sympathize with the general fear we all have about losing loved ones, particularly parents. I truly had no concept how important this man was in JC’s life.

Almost exactly six years later, JC’s father was diagnosed with cancer. By this time, not only did I have an opportunity to gain more understanding of the bond between father and son, I had also developed a relationship of my own with EC. It’s almost too easy to take the reality of life for granted; the false comfort of, “it’ll never happen to me” and “that only happens to strangers” really was my mindset for the majority of my life. I had never suffered the loss of someone close to me, with the exception of 10 or more childhood pets. While I had experienced the passing of one paternal grandparent and two relatives-by-marriage, I was emotionally disconnected enough from these individuals that I really wasn’t affected by this portion of the circle of life.

May 2011: Shortly following the diagnosis, EC underwent surgery in an attempt to remove the cancerous tissue. With just over 1,300 miles separating us from our family, distance became an unbearable obstacle. JC was able to fly home for the surgery, which lasted an excess of seven hours. Although successful, pathology reports showed the cancer had already spread beyond its point of origin into other major organs.

June 2011: Both JC and I made a trip home to visit his father, also taking the opportunity to celebrate our three year wedding anniversary and JC’s 27^th birthday with a trip to his mother’s beach house. This was the first time I had seen EC in about 21 months – while his personality seemed close to normal, his body showed signs of the malignant invasion. Even with the evidence directly in front of me, I still struggled with the reality of what was transpiring. It was extremely difficult for me to grasp the magnitude of the disease. Wasn’t the surgery supposed to help? How is it possible for a disease to have such an established presence without anyone knowing? Soon after our visit, EC began chemotherapy treatment in an attempt to slow the progression.

Over the next five months, JC made three additional trips home, traveling a total of 13,000 miles and spending approximately $1,500 on airline tickets. He was able to help care for his father, assisting at different stages of the chemotherapy cycle with each visit. While I strongly believe he would have regretted not being part of this process, I also think it was extremely difficult to watch his father’s health deteriorate before his eyes.

October 2011:  EC celebrated his 75^th birthday on the 9^th day of the month. JC mailed home a carefully selected birthday card, one which appropriately and effectively expressed a message of love while also representing understandable trepidation of what was to come. During this month, I experienced the passing of my great-aunt, a woman I deeply respected and loved. I felt this was my first real brush with death, a heartbreaking loss that struck my hard. Immediately, I was filled with regret, having not visited her in nearly three years.

JC and I had both planned to fly home to celebrate Thanksgiving, but we began to understand that it might be too late. Instead, we decided to take advantage of a three-day weekend and bought tickets for 11/11/11.

November 2011: At 10pm on November 8^th, JC received a text message from his mom, telling him it was time to come home. We both knew what that meant. Even at that late hour, I was able to make the necessary changes to our travel arrangements in order to secure seats on Southwest flight 657 at 7:15am the next morning. We arrived at the airport after a mere five hours of sleep, if that, which only exacerbated our emotional state. I have never been an enthusiastic flyer, and this was not a flight I was eager to take. By the time we touched down nearly three hours later, we battled car trouble and traffic to arrive at JC’s mom’s house around 12:30pm. We were greeted by JC’s two sisters and two of his three brothers. His father was surrounded by his family, having slipped into a sleep symbolic of the battle his body continued to fight against the invading disease. This image of a man, drifting slowly from life, is one that will be forever engrained in my mind. Not just any man, but a man I had spent a great deal of time with; a man who meant more than anything to my husband.

At approximately 3pm on 11/9/11, exactly one month after his 75^th birthday and a mere six months after begin diagnosed with cancer, EC passed away. I watched the moment he took his last breath, experienced the process of death which seemed so rapid yet drawn out almost too long. It was a moment of extreme sadness yet pure relief. Over the next 9 days, we rode the rollercoaster of grief through the series of events which accompany the passing of a loved one.  Making arrangements, attending the funeral mass, visiting family…clinging to each other and finding comfort in our love. Ironically, November also marked five years since JC and I moved away from home and began our post-college lives together.

February 2012: Fast-forward three months, JC received news that his grandmother (EC’s mom) had passed away. At age 96, this woman had endured the passing of four of her children before her. She was an extremely strong woman who lived through the Great Depression as a single mother, raising seven children, and surviving both breast cancer and a stroke within her lifetime.

May 2012: As the days and months continue to roll by, the pain and grief continue to ebb and surge like a costal tide. Next month will mark six months since EC’s passing and one year since his cancer diagnosis - 525,600 minutes. It seems almost unfair to think of how quickly it all happened. I still struggle with reality and attempt to reconcile the lack of fairness in life’s events. We continue to celebrate the milestones and anniversaries, the holidays and cyclical measures, always taking note of the absent family members. Hopefully, we will have some time to heal before we must add another heartache to the list. I’ve learned that it’s never easy to lose someone you love, but it helps to deepen the love you feel for everyone special in your life.