Hopes dashed

There's really nothing quite like the feeling of disappointment - that complete, blindsided-type of disappointment when all of your momentum is heading in one direction and you're suddenly slammed with a curve in the road which propels you in the opposite direction. It takes a second or two to get your balance again, to try desperately to figure out what just happened while attempting to move forward in the new direction. There's that pit deep in your stomach from the total let down of expecting one thing but being met with another. There's the embarrassment of being so confident in one outcome when things turn out differently. No matter how many times you try to protect yourself from this feeling by not getting your hopes up, you really just can't avoid it when you believe in something so strongly that is not entirely in your control. All you can do is learn from the experience and make adjustments.

I think the first time I remember feeling this way was in second grade. Granted, things are a bit exaggerated when you're that age, and you really don't know the power of disappointment. I was cast as Dorothy in my school's production of The Wizard of OZ, and it was really an elaborate production. We had costumes, set pieces, sound effects, and a large auditorium. Looking back, this really wasn't the self-defining moment that my younger self believed it was. Yes, it was a pretty big deal to have auditioned and been granted the leading role, but within the continuum of life, it really didn't matter. At the end of the performance, we all went out on stage for the final bow. As we practiced, I stepped forward for my individual bow, and someone from the audience came running to the stage with a large bouquet of flowers. Even though I had no idea who this person was, there was absolutely no question in my mind that those flowers were for me. I took a few steps toward the edge of the stage and leaned forward to gather the bouquet in my arms. Just then, another student ran up and accepted her flowers. I was completely shocked and shaken. I was embarrassed and devastated that the flowers were not actually for me. Again, a completely insignificant event that was monumental to a young girl. 

Fast-forward a few years, still in my youth, I was absorbed by the concept of Publishers Clearinghouse. Each time the mailings arrived, I would help my mom fill out the forms and return them, faithfully. I was convinced that we would be winners. How could be possibly not win? We had done everything that the contest required us to do, and, more importantly, we deserved the money. Finally, the day arrived when the winners would be surprised at their homes with a giant check, presented on live TV during the Super Bowl. My family was never really in to sports, but I remember sitting in the living room, watching the game and eagerly awaiting halftime when I knew the Publishers Clearinghouse segment would air. I vividly remember looking out the window, down our long driveway which winded through a wooded area which slightly obstructed the view of cars pulling up to the house - I was convinced that I could see people hiding just out of sight, holding a bunch of balloons that they would be bringing up to our door with the check. At one point, the telephone rang, and while my mom said it was a wrong number, I knew that was the Publishers Clearinghouse folks checking to make sure we were home to accept our winnings. When the segment aired, and another family was surprised at their doorstep, I was crushed. I couldn't understand how it was possible while in my mind, everything pointed to us as the winners. I was utterly devastated, over something I had spent so much time building up in my head. The hard slap of reality stung for a while.

Auditioning for a community theater production and not being cast, trying out for a high school play and not getting a part, competing in horse shows or speech competitions and not winning an award - there were several other times in my childhood that I was convinced things would turn out completely differently than the real outcome and felt totally blindsided by the results. Now, as an adult, I'm learning that you really can't avoid times like these. There are events like job interviews that you absolutely have to go into with a high level of confidence and get to a point of convincing yourself that you are meant to have this job. Lacking this confidence may have a negative impact on your interview and could result in less than positive results. So you've got to be all-in. You have to throw yourself head-over-heels into the situation. Of course, there are times when you can tell that it's not a good fit and can move on before you even hear from the potential employer; but other times, truly, all signs point to a job offer. You build it up so much in your mind that when you do get that call, or that e-mail, saying another candidate has been selected, it is completely devastating. It's a personal blow and results in deep-seeded self doubt. How could I have not seen that coming? What did I do wrong?

Again, it should all be a learning experience. The only way to move forward is to focus on the next opportunity. Hopefully, the road will begin to straighten out and the curves will become less destabilizing. Soon, there will be a stretch of predictability and a moment in time when reality actually matches up with the way its played out in your mind. Until then, just keep driving.