CT = Clinical Torture

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
~Arnold Glasow

Disclaimer: I like to think I can make people laugh using sarcastic humor. I consider myself to have a sense of comedic timing when re-telling stories that are not particularly pleasant. If you don't mind, I'd like to test my theory. Won't you join me in a chuckle?

This week, I was lucky enough to experience a CT scan of my pelvis and abdomen. For those of you who have shared in this joyous adventure, you may already know where I'm going with this. Anyone who has yet to be internally scanned, you just don't know the thrill you're missing out on. It all started with a call from my doctor's office, letting me know my insurance had approved the procedure.
"Now, there are quite a few directions that go along with this. Do you have a pen?"
"I sure do, go ahead."
"First of all, you'll be visiting _______ Radiology located at _______."
Cool, right by my house. Thank you, Google maps.
"Your appointment is at 4:45, but you need to drink the contrast fluid at least two hours before. You'll have to go to the office and pick that up no later than 2:45, or you can just check in at that time."
And sit in an office with a bunch of strangers for two hours? I don't think so.
"Also, you can't have anything to eat four hours before your appointment, so nothing after 1:45."
Wait, I taught elapsed time to my fourth graders...four hours before 4:45 would be 12:45...so in 20 minutes....fabulous.

I was able to leave work early and drive over to the office in order to pick up the contrast fluid, or "barium". Upon arriving, I let the woman behind the front desk asked, "Do you want apple, banana, or berry?"
Um, I guess I didn't know I had a choice...
"I'll try the apple."
The woman left to retrieve my "apple smoothie." When she returned with two large cylinders of fluid, I was a bit taken aback.
"Start drinking the first one at 3:15 and the second at 4:15. Remember to shake them well before drinking."
So, why did my doctor's office tell me to rush over here by 2:45?
Giant tubes in hand, I returned home, changed into comfortable clothes, and lazed around until 3:15. I thought I'd take a small sip to see exactly what I was up against before devising a plan of attack - do I want to drink it slowly over the hour or chug it?
After my first taste, I decided it wasn't too bad and opted to take a few glups every ten minutes to see where that got me. As the time progressed, I began to dread the end of my ten minute rest. The texture of the barium is nothing like the "smoothie" it claims to be. For some reason, it felt like what I imagine whiteout might feel like if poured down your throat - a little sticky but thick and smooth at the same time. The flavor was similar to apple, but it reminded me too much of some apple shampoo I used once. So imagine drinking whiteout-textured shampoo, and you can imagine my discomfort.
Somehow, I managed to choke down the first bottle by about 3:40, giving myself a nice break before round two. Almost immediately, I started to feel a little sick to my stomach, probably because I almost convinced myself I was in fact drinking shampoo. Stupid nasal-taste bud connection. I laid on the couch and tried to take a nap in order to escape the discomfort. I also began to realize how hungry I was, probably just because I knew I couldn't eat anything. You always want what you can't have, right?
Finally, at about 4:10, I decided to just crack open tube two and chug it down quickly in a mind-over-matter fashion. I gave the bottle a good shake and started gulping away. I managed to get a little over half way through before I had to stop and gag a little. Disgusting. Not only did I know I had to finish the rest, I also knew I needed to leave the house soon in order to make it to my appointment on time. I forced myself to down the rest quickly and head off to my appointment. I can say it was the most disgusting thing I've ever consumed and hoped I would never have to drink it again.
When I returned to the office, I filled out the necessary paperwork and waited...then waited some more...and did a little more waiting. Mind you, after drinking two large "apple smoothies", a restroom becomes a necessity. I assumed reliving myself would sort of defeat the purpose of drinking the crap in the first place, but I sure hoped they would call me back soon so I could quickly get my scan and move on with my life. Also, keep in mind that one of my symptoms (and the point of this damn test) is pain when my bladder is full. So there I sat, with an upset stomach, uncomfortably full bladder, and pain in my pelvis. Really, it was delightful.
At about 5:15 (half an hour after my scheduled appointment), they called me back. Finally!! I was guided back to a room in order to change into a traditional hospital gown, then asked to sit in another waiting area. More waiting?? You've got to be kidding....
About ten minutes later, it was time for my scan. The technician was very nice...almost too nice. She sat me down on the table and handed me a foam cup.
"Here's the last of your barium. We want to make sure you have a nice, full belly!"
Fan-fuckin-tastic.
I downed it quickly, imagining a scene from an old western where a gunslinger quickly takes a shot of whiskey, then shattering the glass on the ground and snarling at everyone in the saloon. The technician went on to explain step by step how the CT scan works and what I can expect.
Cool, lay on the table, relax, yeah yeah, I get it...
"Then we will do the iodine injection and scan you again. Did anyone mention the injection to you?"
Whoa...the iodine what-now??
"First, we'll get you hooked up with an IV. Let's see what kind of veins you brought with you today."

Anyone who knows me well understands my feeling about needles - never been a big fan. Granted, I have gotten over my morbid fear, given the fact that I voluntarily got a tattoo, and shots are not as bad as they used to seem when I was younger. But getting blood drawn or having an IV still gives me the shivers. So there I was, still feeling quesey, painfully full of liquid, ready to get stabbed with an unexpected needle.
"Now, an iodine injection has a very weird sensation associated with it. You'll feel a warming sensation through your body, starting in your arms and down your throat. The weirdest part is when it gets down to your lower area - it will feel like you're peeing, but I promise you really aren't, so you don't have to worry."
Wait, let me get this straight...I'm going to feel like I'm peeing?? But I already have to pee! Why do you have to trick my body into thinking it really is peeing???
Once I was all hooked up to the IV, it was finally time to start the scan. Really, the proceedure itself it nothing exciting. I enjoyed the time to lay flat and take the pressure off of my bladder. Then, it was time for the iodine.
"It's flowing in just fine. You'll probably start to feel that warming sensation right about now."
Holy shit, I swear I just peed my pants...
"Now we'll just wait about four minutes before we do the final scans. Then I'll be right in to unhook you and help you off the table."

The 'four minutes' felt more like 20, and I would bet I laid on the table about another 20 minutes after the machine shut off before the technician came back in. I tried to just relax as much as possible, but I was in serious need of a bathroom, plus it was well passed my dinner time. Overall discomfort and displeasure.
"Take your time sitting up. You might be a little light-headed."
"I feel just fine...where is your restroom?"

I think that was probably the best pee I have ever had. It truly felt good to let out all that contrast-filled urine. But, alas, the fun was not over yet. The rest of the evening was filled with continued discomfort as my stomach began to rebell against the strange chemicals I had consumed. The damn 'smoothie' was just as hellish coming back out as it was going in.

Needless to say, if I ever have to have a CT scan again in my life, it will be too soon.