Over the last two years, I had to do quite a bit of traveling for work. While it was pretty exciting to live the 'jet-setter' lifestyle and have the opportunity to travel to conferences all around the country, slowly, my anxiety started to return. There were a few instances of really bad turbulence and flying through lightning storms. I had an extreme case of claustrophobia when seated on the aisle and having the shades on all windows within my view drawn down. Once again, I dread travel by air. On one of my last flights, I was finally able to analyze a connection with just a deep down repulsion to feeling completely helpless. Once the plane is off the ground, i have no control over what happens. I'm strapped in for a ride, speeding ahead with no way to stop it. This helplessness, charging forward into whatever lies ahead, reminds me of life and the inevitable end that awaits us all. There is nothing we can do to stop it, we just have to strap in.
When I was little, I used to have a deep-seeded fear of death. At night, I would have these moments of panic, which my mom helped me to term as 'bad thoughts' when I would actually have the thought that someday, I am going to die, and I would immediately start to hyperventilate and cry. I remember one night in particular, curled up in my mom's lap, sobbing, as she rocked me back and forth. I remember telling her, "But I don't want to die." Even now that I'm older, I still can get myself to that place have clarity, realizing that there is an end to my life, and it makes my breath catch and my heart race.
In the short span of 20 months, there have been five significant deaths in my life. Seeing firsthand this eventual end of life has helped me to grasp the reality and connect with the true notion of death. I've seen the effects of old age and disease, both of which have some layer of comfort in preparation. When someone you love is diagnosed with a terminal disease or beginning to succumb to the effects of aging, you get the chance to savor ever moment together from then on until the end comes. Of course, it doesn't make the loss any less painful. The experience of a completely unexpected death is a bit more traumatizing. No warning, no preparation. This element of surprise has given me a totally different perspective to ponder and internalize. You always hear about tragic accidents, but it's not the same until it happens to you.
Regardless of the way it happens, the reality of death remains. I understand that I will see the passing of many more loved ones, and I acknowledge the fact that it will be difficult every single time. I also know that my own death could happen at any moment, and I must ensure I do all that is within my power to make the most of each second I have in life. To love, to explore, to learn, to fly.